I’ve been thinking, and its really hurting my ass.
The “deadline”. The 7 month deadline is all about to end. What happens next is nobody’s guess. I am surprised that at the ripe young age of 43, give or take 16 years(mostly take), I have no fucking clue.
So about the 7 month deadline. I was in a fix this April. A mighty fix at that. Then Lord Shiva, Mahakaal, The great guiding spirit with an ounce of dhatoora, and some bhang, came to me and told me to Let it be. It wasnt John Lennon this time, it really was the Lord. I saw him standing there(Another poor beatles pun), with that wonderful King Cobra entwined around his blue neck. Or I could just be hallucinating. But thats not the point, the point is what he told me.
Shiv : “Dude, you lost a fuckload of time lying on that stupid bed. You know, there’s so much booze you didnt drink and so many bitches you didnt help gain self esteem by letting them trample you underfoot. The ugly ladies need you, cos no one seems to appreciate them like you do. What else would a fat bastard like you aim for anyway? Ambition, my son, is the enemy of success. And success, my friend, is your greatest fear. Now, I suggest, with my infinite wisdom and an altered perception cos of the heavenly narcotics ( strictly not for trade on earth) I did right before I transcended into your filthy pig sty, you live it up. Go get an apartment, stay alone, wank of thrice a night, hit on anything that moves, but no cows, Nandi minds it, and get a fucking job, for Christ Sakes -apologies for blasphemy.”
Monkey: “Man, How high am I?”
Shiv: “11 stories. I fucking took the stairs to take care of my pot belly. Now man, I am here cos you freaking called for help, not to watch u slurp and finger your nose. Gross. You are never gonna get a chic like this. You have to be a human, and a not so fat human, you rhinoceres. Who gave you that freaking nose?”
Monkey: ” Guess you did. You or that other punk, Brahma or something. Look man, I have a life changing decision to make tomorrow morning. Just go and lemme get some sleep.”
Shiv: Darn you, dickhead. I am here to help you make that life threatening decision.”
Monkey:”Man, you are telling me to get a job. I have a choice of 3. Which one do I choose.”
Shiv:”In Soviet Russia, job chooses you.”
Monkey:”A russian reversal? Man, you are good.”
Shiv:”Uncyclopedia.org. Best viewed in any browser.”
Monkey:”So which one do I take?”
Shiv:”You already know. Start afresh. Make up for lost time. Have fun. Remove all dependencies. Walk like you used to walk, bitch!”
Monkey:”For a God, you curse a lot, man”
Shiv:”Nah dude,I talk in the language you understand. I got a babel fish. Arthur Dent gave it to me to bribe his way to heaven.”
Monkey:”You accepted a bribe?”
Shiv:”Yeah, and sent him straight to hell. They call it “offerings”, you know. Its upto me to accept it and ditch the fuck.
Monkey:”What about ethics?”
Shiv:”Fuck ethics, I devised the freaking moral code to keep you guys busy. Anyhow, dude, the decision you have to make is not about a freaking job or the zeroes in your salary. You make sure you dont leap this time. Walk. Slow and steady wins the race.
Monkey:”And the fast ones get laid.”
Shiv:”Forget about getting laid. Not happening this year. Just chill and get your brain in order. Multiple whores are predicted in 2009. Sue me if they charge you more than a 1000.
Monkey:”Man, you got to grant me a wish or something. Gods do that kinda stuff when they see humans, I have heard”
Shiv:”Fuck off. The only thing I will grant you right now is a bang on the head and a snake up your ass. Want that?”
Monkey:”Nah man. One request, though. I have heard tons about your dance. Make the earth shake.”
Shiv:”Awesome man. Got some trance? You know that Buddha Bar shit. I loved it.”
Monkey: “There you go. Shake it, baby!!”
The next day, I decided to move to a different town, stay alone and read, and “just be” for 7 months.
A mild earthquake was reported that night.