Its already 8. I will be fined again. Corporate culture, discipline. Shit man, I have already resigned. Cant they all just leave me alone?

10 bucks for another hour’s sleep is not a bad deal at all. But now that I have left the company, eyes will be raised, the HR machinery set into motion. Can I make it by 8:10? I dont really care anyway. My knee is acting up again, I guess today will be a valium day. How long can I survive without  drugs? 10? 15 minutes?

Whats left to be done? My life as I knew it is over. The future is, well, yet to arrive. I feel like shit. Ever since she told me she wasnt blue anymore, I have been drinking continuously. I’d resigned before I interviewed for other companies. It wasnt arrogance. It was a desperate attempt to show her I could give it all up for a few more months with her. All useless now, all a waste. Everything that I have ever done makes no sense. Without her, nothing makes sense.

I have fallen into a loop. My health is deteriorating every hour. I have been on drugs, some prescription, some arranged for, some rolled into a joint, some popped as pills. I have gained 10 kgs in the last 20 days. I can hardly walk 5 steps without running out of breath. This is impossible. I used to be an optimist. I hardly know what I am now.

The coffee sucks. This bai of mine is another incompetent asshole, like me, like everyone else. I never was a perfectionist anyway. It has caffeine, thats all that counts.9 minutes left. I wonder if I should be driving with my bad knee. The MRI isnt good, but nothing’s really damaged. 6 years is a long time. It should have either healed or gone worse, but it stays the same. I can hardly imagine a pain free life. It was so much more bearable when she was around.

The sun seems closer by a few light minutes. I am drenched the moment I walk out of the door. I always sweat too much. The virtues of being fat.

I forgot the car keys again. I never forget to forget, at least. The car doesnt look good with the ugly dent. Could I have swerved? I didnt care. I just watched that bike bang the driver’s side, and I didnt move at all. It didnt do my already bad knee any good, and I was stupid to expect a bike to actually kill me.

The biker intended to slap me, but didnt. No one beats you up when you deserve it.

I dont remember where I kept the keys. I slept in formals again, it should be somewhere near the bed. There they are, right beside the iron. I pick up the keys and turn off the iron. Its probably been switched on since Monday.

Nothing seems right. One more day to the weekend. Its scary as hell. What will I do on the weekend?

The traffic sucks. Delhi and NCR. Fuck it. No way I can reach in 5 minutes.

Why do I bother? There’s nothing I can do about it.

Why do I bother? There was nothing I could have done.

There’s a life to waste. Her departure is probably no more than an excuse to indulge in full time degeneracy. Self destruction, your name is The Monkey. There. Closer.

I open up the dashboard. 3 left. I pop in 2 of them, and I gulp them down without water. A few minutes. Sleep. Slumber. No more pain. Nothing. Nothing at all.

I can hear the honks. There’s a guy knocking at my car’s window. I try and look for the window lever. Then I try and look for the window button. I find it. I apply the minimal amount of pressure. I can hardly move my hands.

The guy unlocks the car and pulls me out. I am quite delighted to see so many people around my car. Its like I am a celebrity.

There’s blood all over me. My car’s stacked against a Tata pickup truck. My windshield is scattered all over the hood of my car and the road.

I am lying down on the road. I think that guy pulled me out. There’s a cop car now. I have all my papers. No one can arrest me. I didnt do anything wrong.

They put me up on a stretcher. I like the sun. I feel so calm. So very calm.

They tell me to keep talking, so I start singing nursery rhymes. Row row row the boat, gently down the stream. Merrily merrily merrily merrily, life’s just a dream. I feel great.

I try to keep my eyes open, but I feel so sleepy. I close my eyes.

There’s a flash of light and I feel closer to her than I ever did before.

And then there’s nothing. Nothing at all.


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